The Worst Pickup Lines In The History of Man
by kissmyanimex2012
Summary: The boys besides Shimizu.. who is in love with sleeping.. want to confess their love to the oblivious Kahoko Hino. Only problem is, they don't know how. Kanazawa-sensei can help! Or... not. Hino/Haren and implied Kanazawa/Ousaki.


I was insanely bored and thought silently to myself, "Why not write a funny story to pass time?" and then this monstrosity came to me. Has anybody else noticed how dense Kahoko is when it comes to men? If you haven't, you are probably suffering from mental retardation 'cuz it's the easiest thing to see throughout the show! No offense, of course! WELL, I thought, what happens if Len, Tsuchiura, Hihara, and Yunoki all want to break out of their shells and ask her out? A lesson from Kanazawa-sensei in love is sure to be disastrous!

Rated T for double entendres, language, and crude humor.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kiniro no Corda, nor do I own the characters. Kure-san and Yoshida-san do, so bite me.

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**The Worst Pickup Lines In The History Of Man**

It was a peaceful day at Seisou Academy, the birds are chirping, the flowers are in bloom, the scent of love in the air- wait, love? Kanazawa sat alone on a bench outdoors, petting his cat and taking a drag on his cigarette. He sighed and commented to himself, "What a peaceful day, no students, no noisy music, no nothing. Just me, my cat, and a cig-"

"KANAZAWA-SENSEI!"

The man jumped, causing the cigarette to fly out of his mouth. He scowled. 'And just when I thought I would have a nice day…'

He reluctantly looked behind him, only to see that Hihara and Tsuchiura were running towards him. 'Oh great god…' The two boys slowed down and stopped in front of him, huffing from the run. The man looked them over, sighed, and scratched his head.

"What do you want? _Disturbing me and making me lose my cigarette_…" He began to mumble.

Hihara, not paying any attention to the grumbles from Kanazawa, began to shout.

"KANAZAWA-SENSEI, I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FA-"

"Damn it Kazuki, inside voice!"

Kazuki looked around and laughed.

"But we're not inside, sensei!"

"… just shut up…"

"But I can't! I have to ask you something!"

Kanazawa sighed and sat back down on the bench.

"Sorry, I'm busy."

Kazuki dropped to his knees and gave him a sad, puppy dog face. Tsuchiura gave the man a look.

"What, being lazy as usual?"

"Yes, in fact. Now leave me alone. I'm thinking."

Kanazawa closed his eyes and crossed his arms. Kazuki's face went into a serious look.

"But I really need your advice! As a man to a man!"

"You mean as a man to a _boy_."

"Whatever! I need your advice sensei!"

"…Fine. Ask me whatever it is you're going to ask."

Hihara grinned and blushed a bit.

"Well you see… there's this girl…"

Tsuchiura blushed. Hiroto was suddenly interested and looked at Hihara.

"Alright… keep going. This girl, she attractive?"  
"Oh yes! Really attractive!"

Tsuchiura nodded furiously. Hiroto rubbed his chin.

"Keep going."

"Well, she's pretty much oblivious to our feelings for her."

"_Our_?"

"Um, yeah. Me and Tsuchiura-kun like her."

"The two of you. Now that's a problem."

"In any case, we need to know your secret!"

"Secret? To what?"

Tsuchiura then dropped to his knees beside Kazuki and begged the man.

"Your secret in seducing the ladies! We all know you're a maestro at it! Teach us the art of seduction, because Kami knows we suck at it!"

Hiroto was surprised. Seduction? This would prove to be more interesting than he thought. 'I guess I should help the poor saps out.'

"Alright!"

"You'll help us?!" The boys said simultaneously, stars in their eyes. In an over dramatized attempt to look cool, Kanazawa stood up and pointed to the skies. The boys stood up and looked in the direction he was pointing.  
"I will teach you,"

He wrapped his arms around the boys and pulled them close.

"THE ART OF SEDUCTION!"

The day would surely be interesting.

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Kanazawa led the boys to an empty classroom (seeing as it was lunchtime), only to see that Len and Yunoki were already there. Len was pacing the classroom while Yunoki watched him with mild interest. Kanazawa blinked, confused.

"You guys too? Man oh man, she's gotta be a hottie!"

Len blushed and looked up at the teacher.

"Please don't make fun of us."

"No, no! I'm not making fun of you, I just didn't expect this… coming from someone like you… so stoic and narcissistic…"

Len gave the man a death glare. Hiroto chuckled awkwardly and walked over to the teacher's desk, slapping his hand on the table suddenly.

"Alright, is this everyone?"

Everyone just gave him a look.

"Of course this is everyone, I mean we are the main guys in the show that are really falling for her, besides Shimizu… but he doesn't really love her, he just likes her music…"

"Alright then, we'll begin with lesson one. The art of gift-giving!"

"Huh?" They all said simultaneously.

"Like, duh? Man you guys are hopeless! Three words. Women. Love. Gifts! The first way to their heart is through your wallets and into their hands! Buying a girl flowers is so 1960's, I mean seriously. Chocolate is basically telling her she's fat, or needs to get fat 'cuz she's a skinny bitch."

Yunoki, Len, and Tsuchiura sweatdropped. Hihara was to busy scribbling down notes.

"Girls don't like chocolates, makes them think they're fat. Flowers are a no-no. Women like gifts- Go on now, sensei! I'm listening!"

"Tell me, are you guys all broke?"

Tsuchiura and Kazuki nodded meekly. Yunoki took out a wallet, walked over to the window and empty the contents of said wallet outside. A flock of his fan girls ran to the scene and jumped in the air, catching the bills. Yunoki smirked.

"Oh yeah, I make it rain on them bitches- I mean lovely ladies. Well, now I'm broke!"

Len sweatdropped and went through his pocket and pulled out his own wallet and flaunted a row of credit cards.

Kanazawa smiled sweetly at Len, then began smacking the others.

"IDIOTS! ESPECIALLY YOU, YUNOKI! MORE PUNISHMENT FOR YUNOKI-KUN!"

"Oh my god, not the face, not my beautiful face!"

Tsuchiura scowled under his breath. "Damn pretty boy…"

"Why thank you Ryoutarou-kun!"

"Yunoki, I wanted you to have money so you can buy a gift…"

Yunoki looked dumbfounded at his sensei, but then began to smile.

"But… _you_ can give me the money, right?"

He began to suggestively rub his sensei's chest and let his hand drift a bit lower before Kanazawa screamed.

"Whoa, whoa! Bad Yunoki, bad! _Now that was a scary experience… though I can't saw I didn't enjoy it… _but anyways, no! Isn't your family rich? Go get some more money!"

Yunoki scratched his head.

"Oh yeah… I forgot that I had stacks of millions in my house! Why didn't _I _think of that?"

"Because _you_ have no _brain_… freaking idiot."

Len smartly replied. Before a fight could break out, Kanazawa began the lesson again.

"Well, all of you, go buy gifts that are from your heart. Make sure its not from the dollar store, that would just be stupid."

"Dollar store is not good place to buy presents for girls… keep going sensei!"

Hihara smiled from his desk, looking surprisingly studious.

"Second lesson, the art of flirtation!"

Yunoki sat down and flipped his beautiful hair, giving them a pure "I'm a bishonen, hear me roar" look.

"Now _that_… I don't need a lesson in."

"Whatever. Just shut up then. Anyways, all I have to say is do NOT go overboard with it. A wink, lick your lips, whisper in her ear, etc. Don't be like Azuma here and rub people's chests to get what you want!"

"Now you listen here, I learned that from my sister Miyabi so you shut up!"

Everyone was silent. Kanazawa coughed before adding.

"Well your sister's a whore. Anyways, on to lesson three! The art… of _seduction_…"

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Kahoko was walking around Seisou Academy's campus with her friends, giggling about something stupid and girly. Shouldn't lunchtime be a time for eating lunch? Anorexic little- anyways!

"So I was all like, 'Oh know you didn't!' and she was all like 'Oh yes I did!' and then I-"

Hino then made contact with a tree, then the ground. Amou-san laughed and Fuyuumi-chan looked at her friend worriedly.

"K-Kahoko-san? Are you alright?"

Hino sat up abruptly, her woman senses tingling. A male voice? "Nami-chan?"

"Shut up! I do NOT sound like a man!"

Tsuchiura stood over Hino, extending his hand to help her up. Kahoko gladly accepted the gesture, but noted that his other hand was behind his back.

"Well good afternoon Tsuchiura-kun! What's up?"

Tsuchiura reddened and put his free hand behind his head.

"The sky?"

Hino pondered his response before laughing. Tsuchiura felt a bit more confident after hearing her laughter.

"Anyways, Kahoko, I was wondering…"

He grabbed Hino's hand and pulled her closer to him, causing Amou and the other girls to squeal with excitement. Suddenly, he pulled the gift from behind him, showing her a-- purple toy dinosaur? Hino sweatdropped and blinked with confusion. Tsuchiura gulped and prayed that his line would work.

"… could _you_ tune _my_ piano?"

The girls all went silent. Hino cocked her head to the side before exclaiming,

"I don't know how! I know, why don't you ask Yunoki-kun to help you out, I hear he's really good at it!"

Tsuchiura's mouth dropped open and he began to protest but Hino had already been on her way, waving and smiling at the flabbergasted Tsuchiura.

"B-but, that's not what I meant…"

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"Man, Tsuchiura was priceless! I mean, you saw the look on his face?"

"What are you guys talking about? All he wanted was help tuning his piano! Plus, he gave me a cute purple dinosaur! Kawaii!"

The girls sweatdropped. She was clueless, wasn't she?

All of a sudden, Kazuki came running up to the group. The girls expected the worst.

"H-hey, Kaho-chan! Can we talk?"

"Uh, yeah! Sure, what's up?"

"Oh nothing, I just wanted to give you something."

He took out a key chain in the shape of a little trumpet and handed it to her. Hino smiled politely and took the gift.

"Thank you! It's cute!"

"_So are you, Kaho-chan_…"

"Huh?"

"Nothing! I was just wonder, Kahoko-chan…"

The girls looked at him with mild interest, wondering if his pick up line would be worse. Kahoko simply smiled at him. He blushed and whispered.

"_Would_… _blow_… _horn_…"

"Huh?! Speak louder, I can barely hear you!"

He looked up at her timidly.

"I SAID, WOULD YOU--"

All of a sudden a group of fan girls came out of nowhere, following a surprisingly calm looking Yunoki running away from them, causing a bunch of commotion. Poor Kazuki.

"Kazu-kun, I can't hear you at all!"

Hihara, getting aggravated, screamed on the top of his lungs with all his might.

"WOULD YOU BLOW MY HORN, FOR KAMI'S SAKE!"

"… but that's unsanitary… I mean, you had your mouth on it. You have to clean it first…"

And Hino didn't even say anything more, she bowed politely and walked away. Hihara dropped to his knees, watching he walk away.

"But I used a tissue this morning… I made sure Little Kazu was clean…"

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Hino was now confused (as if she ever wasn't). First Ryoutarou-kun and his piano needing tuning, then Hihara-senpai wanting her to play his trumpet? This was getting strange! Out of nowhere, Yunoki had popped out of bush and wiped himself clean of the brush. Then girls jumped backwards and watched in silent awe as the majestic bishonen boy flipped his beautiful, long purple locks and flashed a beautiful and perfect smile at them. His attention then shifted to Hino.

"Why hello there, my Kahoko."

The girls squealed. Hino blushed.

"I thought you said you would call me Hino-san when we are outside…"

"But we are so close, why should I be so subtle? Are we not familiar, Kahoko?"

"Y-Yes, but--"

"Then no more protest."

He raised his hand to her face and picked up her chin, forcing her to look at him. He then wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her flush against his chest. Tsuchiura and Hihara looked on from the distance, crying. Hino flushed even brighter.

"Y-Yunoki-senpai!"

"No Kahoko, it's Azuma. You may call me Azuma, or if you're more comfortable, call me _your koishii_, alright?" The girls squealing became more high pitched. Hino winced. How could Azuma-kun simply withstand all that screaming behind them? For Kami's sake, they sounded like dying cats! Guess he's used to it, being a pretty boy and having a fan club and all that.

"K-K-KOISHII?! I am not calling you 'my darling', Azuma-san!"

Yunoki sighed and bent down to pick up a box beside him.

"Will _this_ make you call me koishii then?"

She grudgingly opened the box and gasped. The girls scrambled behind her to see the gift. Hino colored like a ripe red apple. The box contained a red T-String thong, a matching lacy bra, and a fake tattoo that read "Azuma was here" on it.

"What the hell is this? You could of bought the whole Victoria's Secret if you wanted to! And what is the tattoo for?"

Azuma simply grinned.

"It's mandatory for every girl I pimp- I mean sleep with."

The girls began suffering from drastic nosebleeds.

"I-I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU!"

And with that Hino smacked him and stomped away embarrassedly. Azuma turned around and grabbed onto her waist, begging her.

"What happens if the term 'sleep with' is like a brother-sister thing?"

"I said NO, Yunoki-senpai."

"Well… at least keep the panties!"

"… NO!"

She chucked the box at Yunoki, hitting him squarely in the face. All his fan girls screamed and began to cry.

"Not his face, not his beautiful face!"

In an attempt to make his fan club cease their tears, Yunoki looked up at them and flashed the a weak, but sexy, smile.

"It's okay, at least my hair looks good." And proceeded to flip his hair for the girls.

Kanazawa walked over silently and ruffled his hair, ruining the bishonen moment. The girls gasped loudly, hands to their lips. A first year girl began to tear up.

"Yunoki, you have no hope."

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Hino sat down on a bench, her friends all laughing. She sucked angrily on a juice box.

"I mean -suck- what was that? He is such a -suck- ass!"

"Yeah, but a sexy one, ne?"

Kahoko colored and they spilled into giggles.

"I just hope that nothing else like that happens again."

"B-But Kahoko, don't you like one of them?"

Fuyuumi-chan spoke up, catching everyone's attention. Hino spurted out her juice and blushed. Shouko continued.

"You said they were all handsome, and that if you had to choose…"

The men looked on from afar, listening with intent.

"… you wouldn't be able to."

The boys sighed, uninterested in the conversation.

"Hino-san."

Hino looked up at Nami.

"What?"

"That wasn't me, baka! It was Len!"

"Oh… damn you guys sound the same!"

"GOD DAMNIT HINO I'M A WOMAN! DO I SOUND LIKE TSUKIMORI-KUN TO YOU?!"  
"… _yes_?"

Amou-san cried in a little corner. Tsukimori walked up slowly, blushing and sweating a bit. He had been practicing on the way.

"Can we talk Hino-san."

"Is it about the contours?"

"… No."

"Well that's odd… seeing as you're always focused on that thing."

"…"

"Well, okay. What do you want to talk about?"

Tsukimori blushed.

"Somewhere more… private, please?"

"O-oh! Yeah, sure!"

The two then walked over to a tree. Amou and the others mused on what Len would say to her.

"Probably something like 'Stroke my chord.' or 'Want me to show you how to do vibrato?' or--"

"Enough Amou-san! You're scaring Shouko-chan!"

At that tree, Len was being quiet and… kind of creepy.

"Sooo… you had something you wanted to say to me?"

"Y-Yes. I wanted to know…"

In the back of Hino's mind, she rolled her eyes and expected another witty line from the boy. It must be April Fools Day or something, because all these weird things keep happening to her.

Len's heart was racing. He looked at his wrist and eagerly read the blots of black ink. His whole hand was covered in things to say. He found one that he liked.

"Want to play my fiddle?"

"… No thanks. I already have on…"

"Um… like my fingerboard?"

"… I don't really pay attention to your violin like that…"

"Uh… can I see your F-Hole?"

"… doesn't your violin already have one?"

"… do you want to… uh… rosin my bow?"

"… Len, what the hell are you saying?"

Len's eyes darted around, looking for some sign of hope. Or maybe something that could kill him really quickly and painlessly. He even got her flowers, even though Kanazawa said flowers were stupid. He through the bouquet on the ground and began a screaming tirade.

"DON'T YOU GET IT?! I LOVE YOU! I WANT YOU SO BADLY! I WANT TO FUCK YOU… _RAW_! I WANT YOU DAMNIT!"

Everybody in a 10-mile radius heard him. Kahoko Hino never looked so red in her life. Len breathed deep and hard, regained what was left of his composure, picked up the bouquet of irises and politely gave them to her. Hino blushed furiously and glomped him.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?! I LOVE YOU TOO!"

"Wha-huh? You love me-- mmph!"

Prepare for the longest make out session of your life. People watched as the couple's tongues intertwined and moans rang. Fuyuumi blushed and turned around. The indecency these days! Suddenly, Tsuchiura jumped out of a bush, along with Yunoki and Hihara, and began to pull Len off of Hino.

"Let go of her! I loved her longer than you did!"

"Nuh-uh! I did!"

"I harbored deep feelings for Kahoko for a very long time and--"

"Shut up pretty boy! And who let you call her Kahoko? Like she's your girlfriend or something?!"

"… no one…"

"Exactly! 'Cuz she don't like you!"

"Well she doesn't like you either Hihara!"

"Are you gonna end our long-term friendship over this?"

"Maybe I will!"

"OOH! YOU LITTLE--"

A catfight broke out, Hihara vs. Yunoki and his fan club. Hihara was beat to a pulp. Hino sweatdropped. Tsuchiura picked up Len by his shirt collar.

"She's mine, bitch!"

"… Oh _really_? Did _she_ confess her great love for _you_? _Noooo_, she said she loved _me_! Did she give _you _a really hot make out session? _Noooo_, she _French_ kissed _me_! So boo-yah! In your face, piano-boy!"

"… well… uh… um… shut up!"

"Oh, that's all you gotta say? Oh, what a little bitch!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?! OH _HELLL_ NAH! Lets go, man. I'll freaking rock your world!"

"Like Hino just did to me?"

"Yeah, like what Hino-san just did to you-- HEY!"

"Hmm, you admitted that she rocked MY world, so she's mine. Hahaha! Gotcha!"

Len began to do a little victory dance, making Tsuchiura angry as hell. Another fight broke out, which Kahoko actually tried to separate but didn't succeed. Hiroto sat down a bench farther away from the commotion and began to pet his cat and took out his box of cigarettes.

"Ah, peaceful again. Just me, my cat, and my--"

He put the box to his lips, but saw no cigarette. Kanazawa sighed. He crushed the box and threw it on the ground.

"THERE'S NO MORE MOTHER-_BLEEP_ING CIGARETTES! FOR KAMI'S SAKE! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?! WHY, GOD, WHY?!"

The fight had paused, due to Kanazawa's outburst.

Len said silently, "Wow. He's mad, huh?"

"Yeah, you think?"

And the fight continued.

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It was a peaceful day at Seisou Academy, the birds are chirping, the flowers are in bloom. Kanazawa sat on a bench outdoors, petting his cat and smoking a cigarette from a new box. He sighed contentedly, "What a peaceful day, no students, no noisy music, no nothing. Just me, my cat, and a cig-"

"Kanazawa-sensei…"

"For god's sake… Shimizu? What do you want? What, am I sitting in your favorite sleeping spot?"

"… No…"

The creepy boy yawned and looked at Hiroto.

"I need your help… with a girl…"

Kanazawa threw the cat off his lap and put his head in his hands. Shimizu, startled (though hard to see), backed away a little. Suddenly, Hiroto's head flew back.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR GIRL PROBLEMS! I DON'T WANT TO HELP ANYONE WITH THEIR GIRL PROBLEMS! I NEED HELP WITH MY GIRL PROBLEMS! I MEAN, I HAVEN'T DATED A FEMALE IN 10 YEARS DAMNIT! THE ONLY PERSON WHO I'VE HAD SEX WITH IS SHINOBU-KUN! FOR GOD'S SAKE, I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GOOD PICKUP LINE! OUSAKI-KUN, WHERE ARE YOU MAN?!"

Shimizu began to inch away from his crazy sensei.

"I never knew… you went that way…"

Kanazawa began to sob.

Poor Kanazawa.

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Hehe, done! Boredom will do that to me sometimes. Please don't be mad!


End file.
